I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
