Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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