Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
