saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
