What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
