right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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