the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
