mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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