You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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