when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
