What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
