he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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