my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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