Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize