get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize