she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
