It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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