So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
