I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Terrible idea I love it
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
