an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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