I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Randomize
