all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
