You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Drunk is a universal language darling
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
