I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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