My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize