Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
