im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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