from now on my penis is your penis
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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