Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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