I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Damn victory sex feels great
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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