I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
They should really pass out barf bags in church
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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