Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
