Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize