I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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