You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
