fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize