Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
