I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
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