Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
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