Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
