After last night, I could never be a politician.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
