seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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