its not stalking. its research.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
