Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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