totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
