she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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