ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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