This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
His hands were made for my vagina.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
