so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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