I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
