If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
