I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
