i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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