Got a toothbrush?
I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
