i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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