I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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