So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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