And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Please don't give away my fajitas
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
