He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
