She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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