my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
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