Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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