Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
