I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
